A Christmas Deposition

On a wint'ry eve a jingling sound
did wake me from my bed;
And quietly I crept downstairs
my heart all full of dread.

I must admit I wasn't fit
for foiling burglaries
My judgment's poor when I take all four
pills for my STD's.

But to my surprise a merry sprite
was the author of the sound!
Yet in my haste an antique vase
I had smashed on Santa's crown.

All Christmas Cheer made Christmas Fear
by accidental fury;
Made worse next day when he came awake
while his body I did bury.

The pleading yelps of that spry old elf
brought the neighbors all a-prying;
It was tough to explain the blows I'd rained
on Saint Nick with all his crying.

In appellate court my case was sunk
by that Jolly Old Defendant
My empassioned plea didn't work 'cause he
gave the jury extra presents.

I waited, shamed, 'till the verdict came,
to sit with knocking knees.
A guilty count of attempted
Santacide and Battery.

Then, with magic pace, a fireplace
Santa's lawyer elves erected
Through which he rose, finger to his nose
not the one that I expected.

Now I slave each day so I can pay
my legal obligations
So remember me when you trim the tree
I fund your celebration.

(Via BearSkinRug)